Sunday, May 17, 2015

Back on the Shelf



When I see something at a store that I really want, I pick up the item, turn it around, maybe try it on if it’s an article of clothing, and consider if I like this item well enough to pay the price that has been assigned to it. Sometimes I buy it because it’s a good deal. Sometimes I buy an item that is expensive because it is valuable enough to me to pay the high price. Other times, I choose to set the item back on the shelf.
Sometimes I feel like that item that someone chose to put back on the shelf. Maybe I was a different brand than he was accustomed to. Or, maybe she thought a newer model would better fit her new status in life. He weighs the risks. She thinks of convenience. And, back on the shelf I go.
 I want to yell from inside my cardboard box and styrofoam packaging “I’m valuable! I’m worth the price! I know I could bring light and joy to your world! Please don’t leave me here back on this shelf…”
By my very nature I prefer to choose a few close relationships and invest in them deeply. When those who are on the outskirts of my life put me back on the shelf it doesn’t bother me too much. I know I’m not the right fit for everyone, and I’d rather be my quirky, joyful, unique self than try to fit into a mold that suits those on the outskirts. They don’t know me all that well yet anyway…
But, there have been a handful of times in my adult life when my heart has been fully open, and someone I cared for deeply and had invested a great deal of time in chose to put me back on the shelf. In those moments I can’t help but wonder why. This person got to know the real me, so what did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t he value me the way I valued him? Why didn’t she know that I would love her through it, no matter what? How did I fail this person I cared for so much? And how could I possibly be ‘replaced’ so easily? So soon…
As time goes by, I think that the hurt fades and that I have healed, but the truth is that each time someone that really matters to me chooses to set me back on the shelf, the hurt of all the past similar moments comes surging back over me, and I realize that the feelings of inadequacy and brokenness associated with those dear relationships never really goes away.  And for awhile, it’s hard to trust again. It’s hard to open my heart again. It’s hard to hope again. Even when forgiveness and reconciliation is present, the pain is still very real.
 I’ve cried and grieved and prayed from the shelf for months or even years following some of these moments of brokenness. I’ve battled my ‘defects’. I’ve improved the marketing on my box. I’ve learned to ask forgiveness for horrific mistakes and strengthen relationships that I thought would go the way of the shelf. I will probably never be able to convince any one of those handful of people that I was worth the price all along. Each has already found someone to fill the role I was filling, after all. And my shelf status will probably be inevitable again in the future with others that I thought would stick around.
But, life is short. So here is my exhortation to those of you reading this is: Don’t ever put someone you value back on the shelf. If someone brings light and joy to your life in a way that touches your life uniquely, no matter what defects you uncover or directions you don’t understand, pay the price. Just because it’s risky, inconvenient, or trying. Just because it makes you face your own defects and doubt your own price.  Don’t lose a valuable relationship. Don’t put someone back on the shelf and walk away. Choose to enjoy every second of time God allows you with that person. You will be better for it, and so will they.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Bucket List Update - Year 30 Accomplishments!

Another year complete and another set of items checked off the bucket list!
Once again some very special people contributed to the completion of some bucket list items, and others have been inspired to start their own lists, which I also count as a success!
As in the past, bold indicates items that have been completed previously, while blue bold indicates the items I completed this year. Nothing particularly strikes me as something I must add to the list this year, so I will keep it at 77 this time around.

So, here's the rundown!
#24 Played in the rain - Imagine wandering, lost, in a foreign country through fields of sheep with murky, swampy water up past your ankles post being drenched by a random downpour of rain. Steph and I laughed so hard we couldn't move, and my tears of laughter mixed with the rain water already covering my face. It was one of those moments with a dear friend that you just never forget.

#29 Gotten flowers for no reason - I've previously attempted to con random guy friends into checking this one off the list for me, but it never worked! So, when I received flowers at work from a guy I'd only spent one dinner with, I was surprised, excited, and let's face it, a little giddy! He was generous and thoughtful, and I'm honored to have received flowers for no reason from someone who thought so highly of me.

#48 Taken a risk with your job - My coworkers and management had more faith in me than I had in myself. With their encouragement, I chose to take the risk and do something I swore I would never do - get out from behind the design and development of training and stand before classes to facilitate. Even though the first few classes I encountered were rather hostile (through no fault of mine), I endured and even flourished. I'm also proud of the indoctrination of love for penguins I am passing along to each poor soul that sits in one of my classes!

#74 Read every novel written by an accomplished author - Many years ago my Mom, cousin, and aunt got me reading books by Karen Kingsbury. This year I can say I have read every one of the 50+ novels she has written, including the most recent book released.

I've made quite a bit of progress toward a few other items on the list, even completed another already since my 31st birthday, but it will have to wait to be reported until next year! For now, this is all I have to report! Don't forget to keep working toward your own goals! Merry Christmas!

01. Swam with dolphins
02. Climbed a mountain
03. Said “I love you” and meant it
04. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
05. Gone to a huge sports game
06. Slept under the stars
07. Changed a baby’s diaper
08. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
09. Watched a meteor shower
10. Given more than you can afford to charity
11. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
12. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
13. Had a snowball fight
14. Seen a total eclipse
15. Ridden a roller coaster
16. Watched whales
17. Taken a road-trip
18. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
19. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
20. Milked a cow
21. Alphabetized your CDs
22. Lounged around in bed all day
23. Kissed in the rain
24. Played in the rain
25. Gone to a drive-in theatre
26. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
27. Gone without food for a day
28. Made cookies from scratch
29. Gotten flowers for no reason
30. Been to Las Vegas
31. Done some type of construction work
32. Been on a cruise ship
33. Learned to speak more than one language fluently
34. Made a pointless modification to your house
35. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
36. Ridden a horse
37. Gone back to school
38. Hang glided
39. Attended at least one school reunion
40. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
41. Had a booth at a craft fair
42. Dyed your hair
43. Driven a wickedly cool car, even if you had to rent it
44. Dated against type
45. Traveled overseas
46 Taken a risk with your job
47. Taken your parents to dinner
48. Did volunteer work
49. Started a blog or website, with regular updates
50. Invented something
51. Held a themed dinner party
52. Gone to the cinema alone, and enjoyed it
53. Done punctuation and grammar guerilla attacks, (corrected posters, billboards, advertisements with a black marker) or corrected your boss
54. Earned a Masters Degree
55. Learned how to cook
56. Kept a plant alive for over a year
57. Bought an expensive piece of jewelry for myself
58. Bought a home
59. Published an article
60. Presented at a conference
61. Began (or steadily added to) a retirement savings
62. Done something nice for someone without their knowing it
63. Petted a penguin
64. Mastered one particular style of dance
65. Gone on a blind date
66. Taken a road trip across the U.S.
67. Ridden on a sailboat
68. Saw a Broadway show
69. Paid off student loans
70. Led a ministry team
71. Asked a guy out
72. Read the Bible from front to back
73. Got invited to a ‘cool’ work party
74. Read every novel written by an accomplished author
75. Taken a trip to visit a friend you haven’t seen since college
76. Zip lined
77. Visited all of the Columbus/Central Ohio Metro Parks