When I see something at a store that I really want, I pick
up the item, turn it around, maybe try it on if it’s an article of clothing,
and consider if I like this item well enough to pay the price that has been
assigned to it. Sometimes I buy it because it’s a good deal. Sometimes I buy an
item that is expensive because it is valuable enough to me to pay the high
price. Other times, I choose to set the item back on the shelf.
Sometimes I feel like that item that someone chose to put
back on the shelf. Maybe I was a different brand than he was accustomed to. Or,
maybe she thought a newer model would better fit her new status in life. He
weighs the risks. She thinks of convenience. And, back on the shelf I go.
I want to yell from
inside my cardboard box and styrofoam packaging “I’m valuable! I’m worth the
price! I know I could bring light and joy to your world! Please don’t leave me
here back on this shelf…”
By my very nature I prefer to choose a few close
relationships and invest in them deeply. When those who are on the outskirts of
my life put me back on the shelf it doesn’t bother me too much. I know I’m not
the right fit for everyone, and I’d rather be my quirky, joyful, unique self
than try to fit into a mold that suits those on the outskirts. They don’t know
me all that well yet anyway…
But, there have been a handful of times in my adult life
when my heart has been fully open, and someone I cared for deeply and had
invested a great deal of time in chose to put me back on the shelf. In those
moments I can’t help but wonder why. This person got to know the real me, so what
did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t he value me the way I
valued him? Why didn’t she know that I would love her through it, no matter
what? How did I fail this person I cared for so much? And how could I possibly
be ‘replaced’ so easily? So soon…
As time goes by, I think that the hurt fades and that I have
healed, but the truth is that each time someone that really matters to me
chooses to set me back on the shelf, the hurt of all the past similar moments
comes surging back over me, and I realize that the feelings of inadequacy and
brokenness associated with those dear relationships never really goes
away. And for awhile, it’s hard to trust
again. It’s hard to open my heart again. It’s hard to hope again. Even when
forgiveness and reconciliation is present, the pain is still very real.
I’ve cried and
grieved and prayed from the shelf for months or even years following some of
these moments of brokenness. I’ve battled my ‘defects’. I’ve improved the
marketing on my box. I’ve learned to ask forgiveness for horrific mistakes and
strengthen relationships that I thought would go the way of the shelf. I will
probably never be able to convince any one of those handful of people that I
was worth the price all along. Each has already found someone to fill the role
I was filling, after all. And my shelf status will probably be inevitable again
in the future with others that I thought would stick around.
But, life is short. So here is my exhortation to those of
you reading this is: Don’t ever put someone you value back on the shelf. If
someone brings light and joy to your life in a way that touches your life
uniquely, no matter what defects you uncover or directions you don’t understand,
pay the price. Just because it’s risky, inconvenient, or trying. Just because
it makes you face your own defects and doubt your own price. Don’t lose a valuable relationship. Don’t put someone
back on the shelf and walk away. Choose to enjoy every second of time God allows
you with that person. You will be better for it, and so will they.
