Becoming...

Lately I’ve been thinking about who I am and who God wants me to be. I wonder how others see me, and I can’t help but think the impressions others have of me are probably wrapped up in the roles I play and the way I spend my time/where I spend my time. So what does that make me?

All signs point to the following: I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a children’s church worker, PDHC volunteer, CJ kitty owner, condo-owner, alumni leadership team member, and Sr. IT training analyst. I am single and well-educated. I am purely city and fairly crafty (as in making crafts not evil plans). Above all, I am a Christian, and who people see me as is very much dependent on the roles I play that interact directly with them.

However, when I think of what I will be 10 years from now, I’ve determined I do NOT want the exact same roles and adjectives to describe me. While some of the pieces of who I am are set in stone…others are fluid. And, while there is certainly something to be said for being faithful to a role or responsibility over time, I also recognize the value in growing as a person by changing up responsiblities, roles, and environments when possible. Thus I become frustrated when people stereotype me as if I will never be anything other than what I currently am.

I also recognize that sometimes I allow who I’m NOT to define me. For example, I am NOT a sister, wife, mother, Bible study leader, or manager, and some of the things I’m not, I won’t ever be…I might not even want to ever be. But when I focus on who I’m not or long to be who I’m not, I tend to miss out on being who I am.

I believe that when we dig in our heels and decide “I’m comfortable now, and I’m staying RIGHT HERE,” we give up the opportunity to move forward in who God wants us to be, so 10 years from now I hope I can look back and see movement and growth in the right directions…that instead of becoming stagnant, or stubbornly insisting that “This is just who I am,” I will have been obedient to follow Him into the new, different roles He has laid out for me. I never want to stop becoming the next more well-rounded, passionate, valuable, version of me.

Making It...

A month later, I’m rather annoyed that every big black truck still makes me feel the excitement of him, most of my favorite country songs tie to some memory of him, my brief moments of relaxation still bombard me with ‘why?s’, and after experiencing any random event, whether good or bad, my first instinct is to tell him what just happened. My hand is usually halfway to my phone before I realize…it doesn’t work like that anymore…….Suffice it to say that during this month I’ve made it through a handful of days without crying, none of which have yet to occurr two days in a row...

I thought when he reopened the lines of communication between us midway through the month that it would help…and maybe it at least provided some better semblance of an explanation, but in the end I still fight those feelings of having somehow failed, of not being enough, of not meeting some unknown set of expectations – but then I remember how I tried soo hard, and I’m back to a state of being completely perplexed and truly sad…

And so while the ‘Why?s’ truly haunt me…the current dilemma is How… How to move forward together without being “together”... How to trust? How to be ‘friends’? How to completely forgive? How to fully let go of the promises and dreams that made me so happy? How to believe this really is my reality and I can’t change it no matter how hard I try? How???