Making It...

A month later, I’m rather annoyed that every big black truck still makes me feel the excitement of him, most of my favorite country songs tie to some memory of him, my brief moments of relaxation still bombard me with ‘why?s’, and after experiencing any random event, whether good or bad, my first instinct is to tell him what just happened. My hand is usually halfway to my phone before I realize…it doesn’t work like that anymore…….Suffice it to say that during this month I’ve made it through a handful of days without crying, none of which have yet to occurr two days in a row...

I thought when he reopened the lines of communication between us midway through the month that it would help…and maybe it at least provided some better semblance of an explanation, but in the end I still fight those feelings of having somehow failed, of not being enough, of not meeting some unknown set of expectations – but then I remember how I tried soo hard, and I’m back to a state of being completely perplexed and truly sad…

And so while the ‘Why?s’ truly haunt me…the current dilemma is How… How to move forward together without being “together”... How to trust? How to be ‘friends’? How to completely forgive? How to fully let go of the promises and dreams that made me so happy? How to believe this really is my reality and I can’t change it no matter how hard I try? How???

Extremes

I never knew I could be as happy as I was over the last couple of months…The excitement, newness, challenges, and firsts were so much more wonderful than I could have ever dreamed…For the first time, I felt that I began to see a glimpse of God’s example of his love for us as his bride in my relationship with someone here on earth…I thought it the most amazing blessing possible, and I fully expected to continue to experience more and more of such a wonderful gift!

Short of dealing with the death of loved ones, I never knew I could hurt as much as I do now…I pray for the day I will be able to look back and have some glimpse of why it makes sense that he so unexpectedly chose to walk away – shattering all of the plans and dreams we had made together…I always knew he belonged to God, and that what He’d given, He had every right to take away…I thought I understood God’s plan, but I didn’t…and so…I’m not angry, simply broken – seeking healing, hope, and peace. So far, the memories overtake me consistently and without reprieve, and the hurt is intense but I have to trust that He will bring me through…and I couldn’t be more thankful for the friends and family that are loving me through it all…