As we come to the end of another year, and another decade, it is again time for me to reflect on what the Lord has taught me. In a year that has brought the greatest happiness and the greatest hurt I’ve yet experienced, through it all, my Lord has been faithful. Once again in no particular order, here is my list:
1. Expectations can cause real heartache
2. You can learn a lot even from a fiction book!
3. I have faithful, caring friends and family who support me when I’m broken
4. Prayer brings peace that you can’t find any other way (and don’t be afraid to ask others to pray with/for you!)
5. Even when I AM paying attention, I can still get seriously bonked in the head with a volleyball
6. The best comfort comes from those who have been there
7. His words really are the only ones you can depend on
8. Busyness can become a distraction
9. You should celebrate with those who celebrate even if you don’t feel like celebrating
10. His strength is made perfect in our weakness
11. Sometimes doing the very best you can still isn’t enough to bring success
12. Sometimes He has to break me to change me, but that’s ok
13. Guard your heart
14. Don’t lower your standards. It can happen when you aren’t looking!
15. Words are a powerful weapon
16. Even when we fail, He is there to pick us up and carry us on
17. The best way to keep yourself busy is to help others
18. I still love SLEEP!
19. He is with me in my darkest night
20. God is STILL Good!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Inbox > Options > Erase Inbox > Erase All Messages? Yes = Erasing > Erased!
The other day I was purging my phone’s text message inbox when it dawned on me that I find it to be a rather cleansing experience. I had gone through and unlocked some messages I had been saving in an attempt to feel free of those words or sentiments. So, I was keenly aware of exactly what words were dissapearing from my phone forever – never to be retrieved again (at least in my lack of technical knowledge there is no retrieving them again). As the little symbol showed the messages were “Erasing”, I felt strangely free, a sense of finality.
And then it hit me, as brief a time as it took to erase those messages, it takes even less time for my Savior to erase much worse from me than those little messages. All I have to do is confess my sins to Him, and in my mind I can see the little “Erasing” word and symbol going to town, faster than lighting. Such a blessing to feel that kind of cleansing, to embrace His forgiveness. To know that I don’t have to be who I was just one second ago or wait for new year’s resolutions. I can start over Now or Now or Now or any Now I want when I look to Him to give me a fresh start.
And then it hit me, as brief a time as it took to erase those messages, it takes even less time for my Savior to erase much worse from me than those little messages. All I have to do is confess my sins to Him, and in my mind I can see the little “Erasing” word and symbol going to town, faster than lighting. Such a blessing to feel that kind of cleansing, to embrace His forgiveness. To know that I don’t have to be who I was just one second ago or wait for new year’s resolutions. I can start over Now or Now or Now or any Now I want when I look to Him to give me a fresh start.
Monday, October 19, 2009
It's That Time of Year!!!
Hoodies, college football, hot apple cider, pumpkins, beautiful leaves, and time to turn on the fireplace again! I love this season in Ohio!!! I think I could live in it all year long…
And this year, for only the second time in my life, fall did NOT mean the start of another school year…oh what a blessing to spend my time void of studying, classrooms, and reading endless textbook pages.
This fall season is a new chapter of fall seasons for me. I’m finally settling in to a contented routine of ways to fill up my time post-school, and I’m pretty happy about it!
And, although this season is a time to prepare our Ohio world for the quiet, resting period of winter with no life and no movement, I am looking forward to all of the ways my very much alive Lord will move in my life throughout this season and those shortly to follow.
And this year, for only the second time in my life, fall did NOT mean the start of another school year…oh what a blessing to spend my time void of studying, classrooms, and reading endless textbook pages.
This fall season is a new chapter of fall seasons for me. I’m finally settling in to a contented routine of ways to fill up my time post-school, and I’m pretty happy about it!
And, although this season is a time to prepare our Ohio world for the quiet, resting period of winter with no life and no movement, I am looking forward to all of the ways my very much alive Lord will move in my life throughout this season and those shortly to follow.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Becoming...
Lately I’ve been thinking about who I am and who God wants me to be. I wonder how others see me, and I can’t help but think the impressions others have of me are probably wrapped up in the roles I play and the way I spend my time/where I spend my time. So what does that make me?
All signs point to the following: I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a children’s church worker, PDHC volunteer, CJ kitty owner, condo-owner, alumni leadership team member, and Sr. IT training analyst. I am single and well-educated. I am purely city and fairly crafty (as in making crafts not evil plans). Above all, I am a Christian, and who people see me as is very much dependent on the roles I play that interact directly with them.
However, when I think of what I will be 10 years from now, I’ve determined I do NOT want the exact same roles and adjectives to describe me. While some of the pieces of who I am are set in stone…others are fluid. And, while there is certainly something to be said for being faithful to a role or responsibility over time, I also recognize the value in growing as a person by changing up responsiblities, roles, and environments when possible. Thus I become frustrated when people stereotype me as if I will never be anything other than what I currently am.
I also recognize that sometimes I allow who I’m NOT to define me. For example, I am NOT a sister, wife, mother, Bible study leader, or manager, and some of the things I’m not, I won’t ever be…I might not even want to ever be. But when I focus on who I’m not or long to be who I’m not, I tend to miss out on being who I am.
I believe that when we dig in our heels and decide “I’m comfortable now, and I’m staying RIGHT HERE,” we give up the opportunity to move forward in who God wants us to be, so 10 years from now I hope I can look back and see movement and growth in the right directions…that instead of becoming stagnant, or stubbornly insisting that “This is just who I am,” I will have been obedient to follow Him into the new, different roles He has laid out for me. I never want to stop becoming the next more well-rounded, passionate, valuable, version of me.
All signs point to the following: I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a children’s church worker, PDHC volunteer, CJ kitty owner, condo-owner, alumni leadership team member, and Sr. IT training analyst. I am single and well-educated. I am purely city and fairly crafty (as in making crafts not evil plans). Above all, I am a Christian, and who people see me as is very much dependent on the roles I play that interact directly with them.
However, when I think of what I will be 10 years from now, I’ve determined I do NOT want the exact same roles and adjectives to describe me. While some of the pieces of who I am are set in stone…others are fluid. And, while there is certainly something to be said for being faithful to a role or responsibility over time, I also recognize the value in growing as a person by changing up responsiblities, roles, and environments when possible. Thus I become frustrated when people stereotype me as if I will never be anything other than what I currently am.
I also recognize that sometimes I allow who I’m NOT to define me. For example, I am NOT a sister, wife, mother, Bible study leader, or manager, and some of the things I’m not, I won’t ever be…I might not even want to ever be. But when I focus on who I’m not or long to be who I’m not, I tend to miss out on being who I am.
I believe that when we dig in our heels and decide “I’m comfortable now, and I’m staying RIGHT HERE,” we give up the opportunity to move forward in who God wants us to be, so 10 years from now I hope I can look back and see movement and growth in the right directions…that instead of becoming stagnant, or stubbornly insisting that “This is just who I am,” I will have been obedient to follow Him into the new, different roles He has laid out for me. I never want to stop becoming the next more well-rounded, passionate, valuable, version of me.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Making It...
A month later, I’m rather annoyed that every big black truck still makes me feel the excitement of him, most of my favorite country songs tie to some memory of him, my brief moments of relaxation still bombard me with ‘why?s’, and after experiencing any random event, whether good or bad, my first instinct is to tell him what just happened. My hand is usually halfway to my phone before I realize…it doesn’t work like that anymore…….Suffice it to say that during this month I’ve made it through a handful of days without crying, none of which have yet to occurr two days in a row...
I thought when he reopened the lines of communication between us midway through the month that it would help…and maybe it at least provided some better semblance of an explanation, but in the end I still fight those feelings of having somehow failed, of not being enough, of not meeting some unknown set of expectations – but then I remember how I tried soo hard, and I’m back to a state of being completely perplexed and truly sad…
And so while the ‘Why?s’ truly haunt me…the current dilemma is How… How to move forward together without being “together”... How to trust? How to be ‘friends’? How to completely forgive? How to fully let go of the promises and dreams that made me so happy? How to believe this really is my reality and I can’t change it no matter how hard I try? How???
I thought when he reopened the lines of communication between us midway through the month that it would help…and maybe it at least provided some better semblance of an explanation, but in the end I still fight those feelings of having somehow failed, of not being enough, of not meeting some unknown set of expectations – but then I remember how I tried soo hard, and I’m back to a state of being completely perplexed and truly sad…
And so while the ‘Why?s’ truly haunt me…the current dilemma is How… How to move forward together without being “together”... How to trust? How to be ‘friends’? How to completely forgive? How to fully let go of the promises and dreams that made me so happy? How to believe this really is my reality and I can’t change it no matter how hard I try? How???
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Extremes
I never knew I could be as happy as I was over the last couple of months…The excitement, newness, challenges, and firsts were so much more wonderful than I could have ever dreamed…For the first time, I felt that I began to see a glimpse of God’s example of his love for us as his bride in my relationship with someone here on earth…I thought it the most amazing blessing possible, and I fully expected to continue to experience more and more of such a wonderful gift!
Short of dealing with the death of loved ones, I never knew I could hurt as much as I do now…I pray for the day I will be able to look back and have some glimpse of why it makes sense that he so unexpectedly chose to walk away – shattering all of the plans and dreams we had made together…I always knew he belonged to God, and that what He’d given, He had every right to take away…I thought I understood God’s plan, but I didn’t…and so…I’m not angry, simply broken – seeking healing, hope, and peace. So far, the memories overtake me consistently and without reprieve, and the hurt is intense but I have to trust that He will bring me through…and I couldn’t be more thankful for the friends and family that are loving me through it all…
Short of dealing with the death of loved ones, I never knew I could hurt as much as I do now…I pray for the day I will be able to look back and have some glimpse of why it makes sense that he so unexpectedly chose to walk away – shattering all of the plans and dreams we had made together…I always knew he belonged to God, and that what He’d given, He had every right to take away…I thought I understood God’s plan, but I didn’t…and so…I’m not angry, simply broken – seeking healing, hope, and peace. So far, the memories overtake me consistently and without reprieve, and the hurt is intense but I have to trust that He will bring me through…and I couldn’t be more thankful for the friends and family that are loving me through it all…
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
As the World Turns...
Well, I think I’ve made it halfway through my crazy busy season of events, and my stress level is still increasing! Events have begun to overlap and thus I’m missing some of them, which makes me sad… and still yet, July is gonna be a doozy!!! Soo many weddings!!!
Thankfully, Boyfriend is being patient with my spaz outs…He’s even quite helpful amidst the craziness. Without him and my ‘awesome’ parents, as he calls them, I’d be a complete mess!!! Yay for the fantabulous support system God has put in place for me!!! Just when I think my part of the world is gonna spin right off the map, one of them steps in to help and I’m back on the globe again…All I can say is…I am super duper thankful!!!
Thankfully, Boyfriend is being patient with my spaz outs…He’s even quite helpful amidst the craziness. Without him and my ‘awesome’ parents, as he calls them, I’d be a complete mess!!! Yay for the fantabulous support system God has put in place for me!!! Just when I think my part of the world is gonna spin right off the map, one of them steps in to help and I’m back on the globe again…All I can say is…I am super duper thankful!!!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
It's a Bumper Car Life
This sure is a season of events!!! From bridal showers, weddings, and anniversaries to baby showers and birthdays galore – it seems I have to check my calendar every day to make sure I’m not missing something really important! Now until the end of July is just simply gonna be out of control! The only thing I’ve yet to encounter seems to be a graduation…but just wait…I bet at least one of those is coming too!!!
On the bright side, this means that people I love and enjoy are celebrating important milestones and events in their lives, and this makes me smile! However, balancing all of this with my other regularly scheduled activities and my boy’s crazy busy schedule at times tends to cause moments of sheer panic…
So…I’m pokin right along these days, happy as a clam, but don’t be surprised if I spaz out every once in awhile while I attempt to keep all of my world’s events from bumping into and running over one another…
On the bright side, this means that people I love and enjoy are celebrating important milestones and events in their lives, and this makes me smile! However, balancing all of this with my other regularly scheduled activities and my boy’s crazy busy schedule at times tends to cause moments of sheer panic…
So…I’m pokin right along these days, happy as a clam, but don’t be surprised if I spaz out every once in awhile while I attempt to keep all of my world’s events from bumping into and running over one another…
Monday, April 20, 2009
Dreams and Expectations
Lately it seems my subconscious is informing me of fears and concerns I didn’t know I had through dreams while I sleep at night…Last night was no exception. I woke frequently, and each time I had had another dream…Now, I know I overanalyze things, and probably look too far into my dreams, but I’ve also seen God use dreams in my life to guide me or give me peace in the past, so I’m certain each one is worth considering.
In the midst of all of those dreams, I deleted a lot of text messages at about 3:00 AM – during one of those unable to sleep moments of last night… I’ve learned that expectations can cause painful endings… It was time to remove the words that built the expectations in hopes somehow the pain would erase with them…so far, not the case, but I’m trusting Him to hold me through the hurt… and I’ve learned, if there’s a next time, I will manage those expectations, and my heart, far more closely…
"Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom [be] glory for ever and ever. Amen."
In the midst of all of those dreams, I deleted a lot of text messages at about 3:00 AM – during one of those unable to sleep moments of last night… I’ve learned that expectations can cause painful endings… It was time to remove the words that built the expectations in hopes somehow the pain would erase with them…so far, not the case, but I’m trusting Him to hold me through the hurt… and I’ve learned, if there’s a next time, I will manage those expectations, and my heart, far more closely…
"Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is wellpleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom [be] glory for ever and ever. Amen."
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