Making It...

A month later, I’m rather annoyed that every big black truck still makes me feel the excitement of him, most of my favorite country songs tie to some memory of him, my brief moments of relaxation still bombard me with ‘why?s’, and after experiencing any random event, whether good or bad, my first instinct is to tell him what just happened. My hand is usually halfway to my phone before I realize…it doesn’t work like that anymore…….Suffice it to say that during this month I’ve made it through a handful of days without crying, none of which have yet to occurr two days in a row...

I thought when he reopened the lines of communication between us midway through the month that it would help…and maybe it at least provided some better semblance of an explanation, but in the end I still fight those feelings of having somehow failed, of not being enough, of not meeting some unknown set of expectations – but then I remember how I tried soo hard, and I’m back to a state of being completely perplexed and truly sad…

And so while the ‘Why?s’ truly haunt me…the current dilemma is How… How to move forward together without being “together”... How to trust? How to be ‘friends’? How to completely forgive? How to fully let go of the promises and dreams that made me so happy? How to believe this really is my reality and I can’t change it no matter how hard I try? How???